THE UNDOING…OF MY SANITY
The tagline of my year has been “I’m figuring it out.” Transitioning from the office to remote to laid off. Thinking I’ll only be on unemployment for a month or 2 and here we are 7 months later. Feeling optimistic about next steps in my career to feeling like an unqualified loser and back again. Every first thought I’ve had this year took a 180 turn but I still don’t know in which direction. Life always hits you with something. This year just hit us a bit harder and definitely had some training before hand. It’s really easy to give up and say fuck it but life isn’t about what’s easy. It’s just the opposite in fact.
No ones interested in the people it just flowed for. The ones who seem to have a close relationship with luck. People care about the ones who never thought they’d make it. The ones who had every odd against them but came out on top and were humbled to do so. I doubt myself a lot. Both personally and professionally I am my worst critique and the rotten tomatoes have been voted thumbs down as of late. I just had a birthday, 24 woop woop, and like most others it made me think about life. About how time isn’t real but sure does feel like it. About all the people who’ve told me “you’re so young and thinking so far ahead you have time.” But when does that mentality change. I want things now. I want to do my best, be the best, and flourish beyond my wildest dreams. So where do I start.
I’ve been getting into mindfulness, healthy…er eating and meditation this year. Trying to find ways of understanding my path is paved and I need to accept the journey as it comes. Striving to not push myself so hard all the time. Realizing that I am me and that’s good enough. I’m becoming a new me…again and appreciating the process. I compare myself and accomplishments to literally everyone around me and man does that take a toll. It’s hard to unlearn that when it’s been second nature all your life. We all start out with the “ well she has those shoes and I don’t” and work up to the “they made partner at 28 what the fuck am I doing” at some point in life. Oh how my sanity has been tested.
I’ve been broken down, turned around, rebuild, and put on back order more times than I can count this year. Even though this is some form of growth it sure feels like withering. I for one have absolutely NO IDEA what’s coming in the next chapter of “what else can go wrong” but I’m here for it. I made it and now I’m trying to thrive through it. I’ve been knocked down a few times but got back up and stood taller. My sanity will surely be tested again. My situation will change in some way. I will experience more loss. I will be thankful for more gains. But most importantly I will remember those I have around me who’ve helped me through it. I will be proud of my strength. I will know that there is something on the other end. No matter what it is I’ll sit back and say “I’m figuring it out.”